how can it be that one day everything is wonderful and then one day it just takes a high dive from the empire state building? i remember what new love felt like. i remember what having happiness felt like. i had it once. I just dont know where it went. i catch a glimps of it in my daughters eyes. when she runs to me with her arms outstretched and calls me mommy...i melt. and looking at my son's progress and growth makes me proud...so ok maybe its not totally a loss. an dmaybe i could narrow it down. like this moment. right now. while im typing he is standing there telling he loves me after telling me what a *itch he thinks i am. he cant live with me and all we ever do is fight. i need to learn to relax he says. i try to control everything......but he loves me. sure doesnt sound like love to me. when you love someone theres proof right? i think the proof i give is sufficient. i mean he tells me he has been looking to get a credit card to improve his credit score. really? doesn anything need to be said here? but yes i do. so i tell him thats what we are doing by paying back his student loans. i tell him i pay the bills and i can take care of building his credit. this makes him fly off. get defensive. remind me that hes only 'reading' about it. which i know menas he's proabably applied for one. whats the point? i rebuttle with telling him to read all the sites out there that are against credit cards-ie dave ramsey! i also remind him how he had a 300.00 credit card with best buy that he kept maxed out and kept getting fees on. so i paid it off and closed it. this of course makes him even more mad. and now im getting a lecture/yelled at. becasue he 'loves me'. folks this isnt love.
were together becasue we have an amazing daughter-2 yrs old and the most perfect angel on the planet. unplanned-but wanted all the same. we got engaged in september and on new years eve found out i was pregnant. the wedding had been set for june-we moved it up to march. i was only 5 months pregnant so it wasnt obvious in the pics. the beach wedding in the keys was perfect. the honeymoon night not so much. his 'best man' got him smashed. so we got back-he poked 'fun' at me for 5 minuts before rolling over and passing out. not my most favorite memory. we were there for four days and thats one of the two times we had an 'encounter'. granted i was pregnant..but it was supposed to be our honeymoon. instead all i did was watch him drink himself silly most of the trip. indicator to me....nah! before the baby i was right along with him on it every night. i digress. two years later and many many fights later i hate most every day- until i see her. my precious baby. she really does light up my life. corny right? i think i used to be loike this with my son at some point when he was small. but that was 16 years ago and i was only 18 at the time myself. i rmember leaving him a lot of nights with grandma. i feel like i was a bad mom. i feel i couldve done more for him...avoided the bad men. it is what it is. i cant go back. cant ever go back......so e both have the baby. and she is about all we have at this point. sometimes i think i see it back-we go out, we drink, we laugh, we hang out........but by mid afternoon of the next day its like it never happened. he doesnt remeber those times. says all we ever do is fight. how can i remeber those and he cant? i dont look at him much anymore. it reminds me of what im missing. i still love him. too much i tell myself. if i numb it up then it wont hurt as bad. i really like sex. he doesnt ever want to touch me.im not ugly, tho the stress at work has made me put on some pounds and so has my newly baby induced hypothroid issue. but not too much. the clothes are tighter, but they are still a 6 and an occasional 4. not too shabby i think for a woman of 36 thats had 3 kids. (one died at 3 days old-another story another time) so yeah- not too bad. i mean i still get hit on, not by orlando bloom, but i get noticed.....but not by my husband. nothing. he likes his porn though. a lot. i find evidence of it all the time-unwillingly. i know he does it-so i dont go looking for it. what do i care? if i do happen to get him on a drunk night where he's still awake and we do have sex, it make me miserable. becasue i only want more. and the next day hes sober-so hes back to his old self. its a shame really.hes got a great tooobox and im so handy with a wrench. but no time for hobbies makes the wood rotten. he's always been like that though. well not in the very begnning...i would ware him out and come back for more. he would be exhausted but a short time later we would be at it again. unfortunately that only lasted a few months. then i started reverting to pulling him up the stairs...then dragging him......then it got to where i thought maybe if i let him come after me......but he didnt. and the baby made him avoid it at all cost. of course i wanted what was best for her so i breastfed. then he used that as a reason he wasnt into it. thers no reason now. none. he jsut doesnt want me. so i pull into my shell. i withdraw. its an ominous circle. she keeps us toghether. shes probably the only thing. ive gotten where i dont want to say anything becasue he is immediatley defensive and all he cans seem to remember are the bad times. i try to remember the good ones. every once in a while he will brish past me in the kitchen and ill wish for just an eighth of a seocnd that he will stop and grab me like he used to. or ill pull up with the kids and he'll comeout all excited adn head for the baby in the car seat and ill wish for the days when it used to be me he acted like that for. but not anymore. now im treated like his mom. i do the nills and take care of the kids and shopping and laundry and yard work etc while he goes to play golf or drink...or watch tv till he falls asleep. he doesnt thank me for any of it, but complains when its not like he wants it to be. boiled eggs instead of scrambled...why? his socks done instead of his pants...bad choice on my part. no food in the house but griped at if i spend one second at the table tyring to get my coupns together. i have tried to talk to him. tried to tell him how excluded and alone i feel. he get defensive again. says all i do is *itch. or agrees with the fact that i have been mean and doesnt let me get to the part about how much im hurting, physically, from exhaustion, stress etc. i feel he jsut doesnt care anymore. live or die-wouldnt matter. sometimes i wish something would be wrong with me-but i rmemeber the last time there was. he fought with me in the hospital. he cant handle stress. period. thats why i do everything. apparently he has some kind of post stress disorder form being in the war. but he refuses to get treatment for it. says he's not gonna have some dr 'label' him as having problems. said he wouldnt take meds either if given. guess i shouldve sseen the red flags when we were dating and in his most innubreated moments would break down and cry telling me how depressed he was before we got together. how he thought about killing himself many times. he was a shell of a man when we came together. hallowed out eeys, skinny as a rail and never eating anything. he probabaly wouldve wound up dead, if we hadnt gotten together. he wont get help and i dont have the time to reach out for any. i complain to those around me. poor people. in my most desperate moments i look online for counselors, though he wont go i think maybe ill go it alone. i give up and jsut withdraw even more. i feel hallow more and more every day. i dont think i have really looked at him for months. i cant. why should i? the last tiem i tried to hold hands with him 'his palms got too sweaty'. i know we are doomed. its jsut a matter of time. or who knows...maybe we will both jsut live ignoring each other and feinding for our daughters attention forever. at the end of the day no one wins.
